Boundaries are not selfish

Most of what gets called a boundary is actually a request, which is why so many of them fail.

"Please stop turning up unannounced" is a request. The other person can decline it, and often does, and then you are back where you started feeling both intruded upon and unreasonable.

What a boundary actually is

A boundary is a statement about what you will do, not about what somebody else must do. It does not require their agreement, which is precisely what makes it hold.

"If you turn up unannounced, I won't be able to have you in" is a boundary. Nobody has to approve of it for it to be true.

You are not asking permission to have a limit. You are telling someone what happens on your side of it.

Why it feels like cruelty

Women are taught early and thoroughly that being good means being available, and that a limit is a small act of rejection.

So the first few feel enormous — as if you have done something unkind rather than something ordinary. That feeling is not a signal that you are wrong. It is the feeling of doing something unfamiliar.

Where they are most needed

• Visitors in the early weeks with a new baby
• Advice you did not ask for about how you are feeding, sleeping or schooling
• Relatives who overrule you in front of your children
• A phone that is always answered, by everyone, at any hour
• Volunteering that has quietly become an obligation

Holding one without a speech

You do not owe anybody a justification, and offering one invites a negotiation about whether your reason is good enough.

Short is kinder to everyone. "That doesn't work for us" is a complete sentence. So is "we're not doing that this year." Say it warmly, then stop talking.

Expect the pushback

Somebody who benefited from you having no limits will not be pleased when one appears. That reaction is not proof you got it wrong — it is exactly what you would predict.

The test of a boundary is not whether it is well received. It is whether you keep it after it isn't.